


Survivor

by RealDaveofDaves



Series: The Maze of Moments - A Clay and Justin Story [5]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 06:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15790440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealDaveofDaves/pseuds/RealDaveofDaves
Summary: In which Clay has a therapy session with Stanley Keyworth, and talks about Jeff....





	Survivor

**Author's Note:**

> Story takes place a few days after events in "The Little Black Dog."
> 
> No specific warning per se, but references to events as depicted in Season One.

  

_On the road of experience, I'm trying to find my own way._  
_Sometimes I wish that I could fly away_  
_When I think that I'm moving, suddenly things stand still_  
_I'm afraid 'cause I think they always will_

_And I'm looking for space_  
_And to find out who I am_  
_And I'm looking to know and understand_  
_It's a sweet, sweet dream_  
_Sometimes I'm almost there_  
_Sometimes I fly like an eagle_  
_And sometimes I'm deep in despair_

 - from "Looking for Space," by John Denver

 

 

"So...how have the last few days been?"

Stanley was stirring a packet of sweetener into his coffee as Clay sat down on the couch and leaned back into it, almost sinking, really, as if he was being embraced by an old friend. As he did so, Lulu jumped up next to him and greeted him happily, wiggling her rear end and nudging at his arm with her snout.

"Can I?" he asked.

"Go ahead," Stanley smiled as he picked up his notepad and came over to sit in the chair adjacent to the table in front of the couch. Clay reached into his pocket and pulled out a small dog treat which he handed over. Lulu promptly took it in her mouth and happily crunched it up before settling next to him on the couch, snuggling against his leg. "You're going to spoil her you know. Anyway...so the last few days."

Clay shrugged. "I mean...they were okay I guess. Could have been better. I felt pretty lousy last Thursday."

"Yeah? And why was that?"

"I felt like...like I do this to myself. On purpose. Like, I woke up one day and decided I was going to put myself in the center of the shitstorm that became my school, and try and make it all right. Or at least as little wrong as possible. And then all this fucked up stuff happens, and there I am in the middle of it. Like, I knew it might go wrong, but there I was anyway."

"That goes to your need...almost a desire, really...to try and fix things, or people. We've talked about that, remember? You can't be Super Clay all the time for everyone."

"I guess."

"And to be fair, it does work, sometimes. You have a new brother now, for instance."

"Justin." Clay smiled. "Yeah...that one worked. I guess that makes me...what? One for five?"

"Hey, batting .200 is better than batting .000, so take that win. Who are the other four?"

"I guess...Hannah, Skye, Alex...and Jeff."

"Clay," Stanley adjusted in his chair, "I'd like to talk about this in a certain context. Do you know what survivor's guilt is?"

Clay nodded. "I've heard of it."

"It's a condition that some people have when they've survived a traumatic event while someone else...sometimes a person close to them...did not. It's categorized as part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, actually a pretty significant symptom of it. And I think you've been experiencing that."

"You mean....like, with Hannah?"

"No, Clay. Your other friend who died. Jeff."

"Oh." Clay looked down at Lulu and started to pet her.

"We've never really talked about him. Or what happened."

Clay shook his head.

"Walk me through it."

Clay bit his lower lip as his hands started to shake a little.

"Clay?"

"Please...don't make me," he whispered.

"Clay. I know this is difficult. But in order for you to continue healing, you have to be able to open up about it. Remember, we've got to get you to talk about things without reliving them."

 

**********

 

  _He's right._

 Shut up...just shut up. Not now.

  _Clay..._

 Please...I can't...

  _Yes you can. It's all right. I promise it is. You don't have to be afraid._

 I don't want to remember him like this! It hurts. It hurts too much.

  _Clay. I'll never let you remember him just like that. There's a lot of really great memories in here, too. I'll make sure those never go away._

 Promise?

  _I promise._

 

 **********

 

Clay sighed heavily. "He...I was his tutor. He played baseball, but he was, like, one of the good guys. God...he was such a good guy, you know? Like, he didn't bully other kids...he was kind." Clay paused and took a deep breath before continuing.  "Jeff...he helped me. He became my friend. Gave me the confidence to talk to Hannah, dance with her at the Winter Formal. We actually started to hang out a couple of times, nothing big. There was a party...the one at Jessica Davis' home..."

"I remember, you told me what had happened there. Go on."

"And...and I left to go home. Jeff...Jeff offered me a ride, and I said no. And he...he got into the accident."

"Which wasn't his fault, because of the stop sign..."

"I should have been in the goddamn car with him!" Clay yelled. "He offered me a ride home, I should have gone with him! Maybe I could have warned him that another car was coming, or that the stop sign wasn't there! It's _not fair!_ " Clay brought his arm up to wipe away the tears that were now streaming down his cheeks.

"Clay..."

"Why did you leave the goddamn party?? Why didn't you _make_ me go with you?"

"Because you're a stubborn little shit, that's why." Stanley had now taken on the persona of Jeff Atkins, pretending to be him as he spoke to Clay. "Hey, I offered, remember?"

"Well _fuck you_! Why did you have to go get the goddamn beer?! Why didn't you..." Clay stopped yelling and spoke more softly as he finished his sentence. "....just not go. Please. I...I miss you."

Now it was Stanley's turn to take a deep breath and sigh. "It hurts to be mad at him, doesn't it?"

"God, I miss him," Clay sobbed. "He was so nice to me...fuck, you do just one thing wrong..."

"And what was the one thing you did wrong?"

Clay shook his head.

"It's all right, Clay..."

"I...I said no. And I didn't get in the car."

"That's right, Clay."

"And I'm alive...and he's not...." Clay reached forward to take some kleenex from a box that was on the table. "I...I hate how..."

"What, Clay? What do you hate?"

"That..." Clay started to cry again. "That...I found him...and I never got to say goodbye..."

"Not having that closure is hard. I understand that, it makes this worse. Let me ask you this: have you visited him? His grave, I mean."

Clay shook his head. "No."

"Maybe you could do that. Take Justin or one of your friends with you. I think it would be good for you."

"I should have been in the car with him." Clay wiped his eyes.

"How long are you going to punish yourself?"

Clay blinked and looked over at Stanley.

"Clay, you couldn't _possibly_ have known what had happened earlier that night, with the stop sign. Not at all. And what if Jeff had left the party _without_ you knowing? Or if you never went to the party to begin with? What happened was terrible. But take yourself out of that evening...Clay, it doesn't change what happened."

"I couldn't fix it..."

"No, Clay. You can't always fix everything. So let me ask you again - what if you hadn't of been there that night, or he left without telling you?"

"I...I guess...I didn't think of that."

"So, when are you going to quit punishing yourself?"

"I want to...God, I really want to."

"Let's say this happened to someone else, another student, and Jeff was still here. You said you became friends, so what do you think he'd be telling you right now?"

Clay's breath came in a convulsive shudder, a result of the crying. "He'd...tell me it wasn't my fault....to stop beating myself up."

"That's right. He would."

"Fuck. It's still isn't fair that he died."

"No, it's not. And I'm sure you've heard this before, but Clay...life isn't fair sometimes. I think the best way to honor his memory is to remember all of the good times you had with him, and to live your life to the fullest. Don't you?"

Clay nodded. "Yeah...I guess so."

"Clay, there's a movie called '7 Faces of Dr. Lao'...have you ever heard of it?"

"No."

"So there's this really great line that I always remember from it. It goes, "Mike, the whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand, every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic!" You're here, Clay. You're alive. And trust me...that's fantastic."

"It doesn't always feel that way here lately."

"I understand. But it is fantastic."

Clay nodded and thought about the times he spent with Jeff - in the library, at the Winter Formal, study sessions outside of school. He started to remember all of the conversations they had together, the kidding around, the playful needling on Jeff's part when it came to Clay and girls, especially Hannah. He remembered how happy Jeff was when he saw that his grades were improving, and how he had even introduced Clay to some of his teammates not as his tutor...but as his friend. And in that moment, in his mind's eye, he didn't see that horrible image that he came upon that night. Instead, he saw Jeff, smiling and happy and  _alive_ and joking with him, and a flood of good memories came pouring back.

It was still so unfair, and it would take time - certainly more than one session of therapy - to resolve what he felt when it came to Jeff's death. But right now, at that very moment, Clay chose to remember the good things, and how happy Jeff would be that he was dating Sheri now, and that Justin had been adopted and was now his brother, and how a tight circle of friends had come together. That in spite of it all, in spite of all the negative things that had happened, Clay was on a path towards getting better.

Through his now red eyes and a few more stray tears - Clay actually smiled.

"Clay?"

"So...there was this one time in the library with Jeff..."

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Mazers, thank you for reading what is another installment of Clay battling his PTSD, following "Demons," "The Little Black Dog," and "The Heart of the Matter."
> 
> One thing I feel went largely unresolved in the series was the impact Jeff's death had on Clay mentally, and it made an almost perfect excuse to not only do another one shot, but bring Stanley back in as a minor character in the Maze universe.
> 
> So, I hope you enjoyed this one, and I look forward to reading your feedback and comments about it. As always, stay tuned...Clay and Justin will return in A Maze of Moments, chapter twenty-four, coming soon! See you over there!


End file.
